It’s A-Zoo time. Imagine some smooth Jazz, that’s the theme tune. This week, we’re gonna look at the only fake animal in the world. Flamingos.
Flamingos are plastic lawn ornaments, often found on lawns in the USA. They have no natural predators apart from TIME. Time causes the flamingo to decompose but as they are plastic it takes several thousand years, resulting a slow death. They do, however, form alliances with other lawn creatures like gnomes. Gnomes will often trade their services in trade for the flamingo’s protection. Vandals will often pick flamingos over gnomes, as they’re the most obvious and bloody ridiculous.
It’s a common misconception to believe flamingos are actually living breathing birds. This is a LIE. For reasons unknown, the CIA have undergone a huge operation to conjure this convincing deception.
‘But, I’ve seen them! I’ve seen flamingos fly and everything!’ I hear you cry. It’s possible you’ve seen a flamingo caught in strong gust of wind. They’re only plastic and quite light.
Not convinced? Here are a selection of common flamingo ‘facts’:
‘When flying in a flock, the top speed of a flamingo can be as high as 35 miles per hour.’ FALSE; They’re inanimate and cannot move; their top speed depends entirely on how hard you can lob it.
‘Adult flamingos are four to five feet tall.’ FALSE; plastic can’t mature into adulthood, an adult flamingo simply doesn’t exist. They do though come in different sizes. You can even buy tiny plastic flamingos for for your desk.
‘Their pink colour comes from beta-carotene in the crustaceans and plankton that flamingos eat.’ FALSE; the pink comes from various dyes and chemicals mixed into the plastic or a coat of paint.
‘The feathers under their wings (flight feathers) are black.’ FALSE; flamingos don’t have wings, they’re moulded in a particular way to give just the illusion of wings.
‘The male and female of a mating pair build a nest together and both sit on the egg while it incubates for about a month.’ FALSE. Flamingos are: a) androgynous, b) don’t mate (inanimate objects incapable of love) and c) I think you can tell where this is going.
So now you know the truth, the next time you’re at a real zoo save your energy and don’t bother with the flamingo section – go straight to a badass giraffe animated gif , which just so happens to be our animal of choice next week.
by Jack Purling